He Did It Because Of The Sun -(short story)

The light is reflecting on the hand gun still smocking from the bullet that just exited the barrel.

A dead body, a hole on the left side of the bare chest of a young man laying on the white beach sands. The blood, slowly coming out off the cadaver, is turning black at the contact of the air.

The sun beams gave the killer a headache. He never like the beach, never hated it either, he was just on it because it’s what people seems to do when they have nothing to do.

He hears screams in the distance, movements, but the shooter doesn’t move. He took a life, and it didn’t bother him that much. Maybe a little bit. The sun is still bothering him.

He doesn’t understand the screams. Why are they screaming when every day, thousands of innocents peoples die every day from gun wounds, caught in the middle of a war they never wanted. If he had an uniform, they would’ve probably praised him a hero, he would have received a medal, street would have been named after him. They should worries about the sun, it’s giving him headaches.

The insults that he start to hear are getting more and more distinct. Peoples are angry. Again, for something this common. Did they know the sun gives headaches?!

Lost in his own head, he let two men tackling him down. His face pushed in the sand by a hand. His arms were tied behind his back. Soon, a knee is pressing against his back. A cold metal feeling around his wrist, probably the police, he couldn’t know, his ears are full of sands. He couldn’t care less, sands in his eardrums or not. At least he doesn’t see the sun anymore.

Soon, a firm hand grab him by the shirt to put him on his feet.

There are the heroes of the day, two police officers. Overweight, sweating profusely, with the stereotypical serious, yet proud, smirks on their sun burned faces.

Civilians are running around the dead men, screaming. Because it is common knowledge that screaming and crying next to a dead body will bring it back to life. The other who aren’t busy crying over the dead body of an unknown person are shooting insult at the killer. Some are throwing sands at him, other try to punch him or grab him, but the police officers do their best to protect the killer. Not that they didn’t want their catch to be beat down, but because once you catch a big fish, you have to bring it home so you could show to the inhabitants that you are a useful individual to society.

Slowly, the trio is making their way throughout the angry crowds. It’s strange how peoples work, they seems to be ready to kill him. To kill a killer, therefore making them killers. By just killing one man, dozens are ready to kill him. And some of those peoples are considered good samaritans among theirs peers, some of them are even religious peoples, which make sens because their gods would forgive them if they beg him enough.

The young killer didn’t really know what will happens next, that’s the first time he’s being arrested.

In fact, he is happy, he will be able to continue is analyzing of human behavior under very peculiar circumstances.

And in jail, there’s no sun.

This short story was inspired by Albert Camu’s novel The Stranger.

Jaskiers

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This Is Our Last Stand (short story)

« – From the beginning, I knew you would be trouble!

• Then why did you stayed with me? »

B. and F. were once again in a middle of a fight. The arguments were getting more and more regulars. They both asked themselves if they still loved one another. Both thoughts yes, but somehow, they managed to ruin their relationship.

« – I was hoping that I was wrong… That you’ll prove me wrong!

• This was a test then? All this time, this was just some kind of game for you?
• And you failed!
• I’m glad ! Not all failures are bad, I’ve just learned that because of you, thanks! »

This was spiraling, every day, the guts wrenching bouts kept getting more violent. They both felt that dreadful feeling; what will happen the day the words will not be enough anymore? They knew that if they’ll continue in that way, it will turn physical. They knew, they knew! But they loved each other, that’s the worst part of love. Loving to the point of reaching a point of no return. Their love will turn into hate. If they had to fall into this dark corner, they would fall in it together. What if? What if it was a necessary step to finally stop the downward spiral ? No, love, love is a complicated feeling, but to reach the point of physical and verbal violence, it will turn life into a living nightmare. But… this is love? Love right? It supposed to beat everything isn’t it?

« – No one will ever want you anyway.

• I was only with you because I pities you. I’m way too good for you.
• I gave you everything!
• Good, it wasn’t enough. You are a failure.
• Yet, you’re the one who slowly but surely undermining our relationship.
• You played you fair part in destroying it, hypocrite… »

When, how did all started to crumble? It’s strange, but both couldn’t figures out the starting point of the downfall of their relationship. No, actually, they both had their little ideas, but no, this wasn’t something that started this ongoing conflict. It was something lurking in the shadow of their love, something dark, in both of them. They probably are the kind of people who want their lover’s soul. They want everything from the other, taking everything. Passion? Yes, that had to be it. Passionate crime… that what’s will happen if none of them admit defeat. But no! The relationship will end, because one of them have to be defeated by the other, it’s no fun anymore, it’s serious.

« – When I look in your eyes, I don’t recognize the person I’ve fallen in love with.

• How could I be so stupid. I should have known that something was wrong with you since the beginning. Too many red flags.
• See, you’re weak. Stupid even. You’re stupid. I’m ashamed to be seen with you since the beginning. Should have listened to my friends.
• Speaking of stupid, your friends aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. But hey, you choose them.
• I have chosen you!
• Did you? Can you choose who you’ll fall in love with? That would be a first! Or you have really chosen me because nobody would love you. I’m glad all this time with spend together was a waste of your time. I loved every minute with you. It’s over, I’ll get over it, but I did grow during our relationship. For you, it’s a waste of time you’ll never get back. »

This was that last phrase that ended their relationship.

Their was love, at last.

Jaskiers

This world is ultra violence (It’s personal)

Nothing new in the title of this article.

The world is ultra-violent.

And the more I think about it, the more I think that’s society is violent because it profits, financially, to the extra-rich.

« They’re busy fighting each others for crumbs, they don’t have time for fighting us. »

Our entertainment, musics, tv shows/News, movies, the internet, is fueled by blood. So we get depressed, low-key violent, and when a white guy in a suit and tie ask us to vote for him so this hell will stop, what do we do? We vote! And nothing really change culture wise, deep down, the mainstream culture have been infiltrated by violence. You need to dig out, by your owns, the artist who would show you, sing, write about something else than bloody murders, violence and sex.

And we’re so tired of all this hell affecting our brains that we just say « That’s how the world works. Can’t feel sorry for everyone if you want to live ».

As you’re reading those lines, there’s a famine going on in Ethiopia, we’re speaking about 22 million peoples, women, children and men of all ages dying of hunger. No doubt that this touch you, but you’ll move on with your life because there’s a certain violence in you own life that you have to deal with. Therefore, we all alone, fighting not with others for others, but for ourselves.

We, humans, have the unbelievable capacity to adapt to every situation. Today, we live in a ultra-violence one. The Corona brings some good things for humanity, solidarity for the essentials worker and medical staff. Today, as the virus seems to have lose it’s grip, we have forgotten about the essentials workers and the nurses and doctors on the frontlines. Hell, even our politicians, in France at least, seems to have forgotten all theirs promises. Nothing new there either.

In all that violence, we’ve learned that CEO earned and pocketed billions in theirs pockets while their worker didn’t saw a single penny added to their paycheck.

If we were mentally well, fit, first of all, the ultra-rich wouldn’t have taken this money in their pocket in the first place. But they did, if we weren’t mentally exhausted by the ultra-violence that occupy our consciousness and unconsciousness, those rich folks wouldn’t act like they do right now.

Just look at the 2008 financial crisis. Who paid for the trader’s greed ? You. The banks took your hard earned money to save themselves. They don’t care about you on a human level, you’re only a statistic, you are « how much money you earn ».

Money is becoming more and more digital. Credit card will soon become the only method of payment, therefore, the bank and their associates will have an eye on everything you’re buying. Along with tracking were, when, and how much.

Soon, the Chinese social credit will make it’s way in our democracy. It’s already starting with the carbon footprint. Carbon footprint is a term created by the biggest corporations to reject the responsibility of pollution and global warming to the individuals instead of them. Big corporations are responsible for more than 70% of emissions of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Global warming is caused mainly by those big corporations, but somehow, it is our fault…

But no, you are the problem. And you accept it because you’re tired and dazed.

The change could come, with real democracy, but we only vote a couple of time in a four or five years span. And we are ok with that apparently.

Shut up and work, obey, pay for the rich, die.

Jaskiers

Through there and here – Final Part

I instinctively put my hand in my pocket to wipe out my phone, you know, to take pictures for the ‘gram, but I didn’t found it.

One of the guys who were on top of the car with me jumped to the floor, and the car roof crumbled under my feet.

Once again, it felt like my heart skipped a beat, I closed my eyes, waiting for a painful landing or a new space-time travel. It was the latter, and thanks God! I was back home, on my couch, with Proust’s book on my lap. It felt like I had just woken up from a dream.

I took a few seconds to check around me, to see if I was back in my time. My closed laptop on the kitchen counter confirmed to me that I was home.

I decided, like you would have probably done too, to check the internet and see if this had happened to someone else before, even hoped for a collective space-time travel experience, it would have been very interesting to see how peoples would have reacted to that, and if their perceptions of the world had changed for them like it changed for me.

But I had no result… Excepted for the few story about time-traveller’s talking about coming from the future to warn us about incoming doom and Armageddon.

This is why I took the opportunity to write about my experiences and share it with you.

I honestly don’t want to travel again, I’m not an adventurous guy, but damn, the world seems way more interesting and beautiful, but also versatile and violent that I’d previously thought.

If something like that happened to you too, write me!

It’s been an hour and a half and nothing have happened. Whatever I’ve experienced, a glitch in the matrix, an alien thing, seems to have stop.

Now, believe me or not. But I’ll tell you, sometimes, the world seems dull, but there’s magic, there so many things to live and experience. I think I might start dreaming about a better future again… and even acting for one !

So, that’s a goodbye. And I’m happy. Just happy. I don’t need help anymore.

The end

Jaskiers

Through there and here – Part 3

I could feel the air on my face, I could feel that I was moving, but at the same time, it felt like I was going nowhere, not really advancing. So, I started running even faster. Never been a sport guy, but I ran like hell was on my tail.

And I face planted in the water, and ended up somewhere else.

Someone helped me to get back on my feet. It was a guy, speaking what seemed to me to be german. I don’t speak one word of it, but by his tone and his expression on his face, I could tell he asked me if I was alright. I’ve node yes, he smiled at me, spoked to me and he ran.

There was peoples, peoples everywhere! I could hear chants, cheering, peoples were hugging each other, some were crying, but those were tears of joy. They were all dressed in vintage clothing. It felt, to me and my poor knowledge of fashion history, that it was clothes from the early 90´s, late 80´s at least.

The crowd all marched in the same direction, and I decided to follow them. I was never comfortable in a crowd, all my life I tried my best to avoid them. But after being alone in the blue desert, the sheer panic provided by the emptiness made me… grateful to be surrounded by fellow humans beings. I didn’t knew where the fuck I was, didn’t know what was happening, couldn’t ask for it, but the joy emitted by the crowd made me feel happy to.

I started hearing sheers, and dull banging sounds followed by the noises of heavy rubbles landing on the ground. Every time a banging sound was louder than the other ones, the crowds cheered.

I was closing in on the source of all this mess. As I made my way to it, the flock of people tightened. I’m not the tallest guy nor the most bulked men, just… average, like my ex-girlfriend would have said, it would have been difficult for me to try and get trough this mass.

I needed a vantage point. I could see people on top off roads signs, cars, or whatever they could use to be able to see what’s was happening.

I made my way near a group of young men and women standing on the roof of what’s seemed to be a police car. Well, it was written « Polizei » on the side, I assume it was a cop car.

One of the girls jumped on the hood and gave me her hand and helped me climb up the car.

I muttered a ‘thank you’ and a bright smile. She asked me, with a perfect English if I was American. I delightfully said yes, and took a sight at what was happening.

A wall being destroyed.

I’d remembered some of my old history class talking about the Berlin Wall, to be honest, I didn’t remember very well that class, I wasn’t that much of a good grade well behaved kid. But there I was, witnessing history ! And that, from my point of view, beat every history book and class.

Peoples were standing or sitting on the wall, smashing it with whatever they had in their hands, from a simple wood stick to a hammer, empty bottles and such. Some were literally throwing themselves into the wall. That was very dangerous. I mean, didn’t wanted to be below it! And I remembered that they were probably soldiers from the east, I can’t recall what they were called, it sound like the name Stacy, Stazy… Stasi? But they were no threat coming from them at this moment. There was way to many peoples to handles, way to many powers, forces, joys. Even with weapons, I think it would have taken a huge number of soldiers and machinery to stop this event.

This was, once again, a strange feeling for me. Finally, I was somewhere I knew a little bit about. That’s why, you kids readings this, should listen in class. Never know what time and space have in store for you!

Jaskiers

Through there and here – Chapitre 2

I got up, open the doors and it was just red and dark, it was like I just opened the door to hell ! No need of a no Virgil, I opened the door to a literal inferno !

I had a few step to climb to get completely out of the cave, but there was no going back. I would have suffocated if I had stayed in the cave. So I climbed the step, slowly.

I could only hear that roaring sounds, the sound of the flame devouring whatever was outside.

After getting up the last stair, I was sucked out in the air, like if I had been swooped over by a tornado !

I thought, at this very second I was about to die. I screamed and closed my eyes, my body was twirling around like a leaf.

And then, quiet. No more flames, no more crackling noises.

I opened my eyes, and there I was in some kind of rocket cockpit, in a cosmonaut suit, helmet and all.

I looked around and there was three men with me. One sitting next to me, and two behind each one of us. Dressed in cosmonaut to.

They looked at me and the one next to me said something like : Hey Jerry, bet you fifty bucks I will step on the moon first.

I looked at the window in front of me.

The cockpit was facing the sky ! And that’s when I’ve heard : Ready for take off in 10…

You get it, we got blasted into the sky. Everything was shaking, again ! I couldn’t move, I guess we all couldn’t move, it’s a thing about G’s force I think, exactly like when you in a rollercoaster and you fill like you brain and guts are disconnecting from your body.

Then, a beeping sound. Someone talked in my earpiece : Jerry, can you confirm that… Oh my god, abort ! Abort ! Eject now !

And my three pals just disappeared into the air, the cockpit had opened itself above us.

« I see… I see three of them ! Who’s still in the rocket ? Eject ! Now ! »

Well, that was for me, and I didn’t knew how to eject myself from a rocket, I ain’t no Elton John nor David Bowie!

There were so many fucking buttons, all flashings lights, and beeping.

« – Jerry ! Jerry jump ! Albuzz here, three of us jumped, I have eye contact with Amry and Dolory but I think Jerry didn’t jump !

• Fuck sake, Jerry, eject now ! It’s gonna blow up ! »

And in just a flash, I find myself in the middle of… I couldn’t tell you, it was just blue… My feet were under water, water that covered everything, everywhere I looked, it was like a calm, very calm sea. The sky was blue, the sea was blue, the exact same shade. And no noise, nothing.

Now this is weird but I’ve felt very appeased, very relaxed.

The calm, the fresh air, and this place was southing to me. But that feeling didn’t last very long, because in that blue desert, I was alone. Their was strictly nothing, the horizon was non-existent. It was like the sky and the soil were one but it had depth.

This started to confuse me. Soon, I turned into a panic mode and started running. Didn’t know where, didn’t really cared. There was nothing man made, it freaked me out, no bearing. I thought that if I didn’t started to look for something, I would just die here. From hunger and thirst or by trying to kill myself by drowning in the few inches of water.

Jaskiers

Through there and here – Chapter 1

Now, I’m not only confused, nor angry anymore. I’m just fucking done to be honest.

My name is Don Gut, and you are probably my only chance at understanding what the hell is happening to me. Maybe it happened to you, or to someone you know, or you read about it somewhere. I don’t know how much time I’ve got left. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna die or kill myself. But, I’m mean, death wouldn’t even bother, or surprise me at this point. Maybe I’m already dead… I don’t know how much time I’ve got left here. You’ll probably understand, or not, when you finish reading my story. If the space time, loophole shenanigans allow me enough time to write about it.

So it’s all started when I’ve finished my reading session. I read at a certain hour, it fluctuate, depending on my moods and spare time.

I was reading Proust’s « In the search of lost time ». Now, this is a thick ass book. This is actually multiples novels combined in one book.

I’ve loved this book, so far. I really love the way Proust goes deep into our feelings. He put words on things that we don’t really think about, or don’t pay much attention to. It’s like a psychotherapy, every feeling is dissected, it’s powerful. And I feel like the characters are my friends now. Saint-Loup’s my favorite. But anyway.

I closed the book, got up to go to my kitchen to make some tea. Well, when I finished my cup, I’ve left the the kitchen and I fucking ended up in some sort of cave. Not my cave, I don’t have any cave, I live in a flat, in a big building. I’ve never been a fan of caves.

Now, there’s nothing weird with my tea. It’s eucalyptus! I’ve been drinking this since a few months now, it helps me to sleep. At least I love to think it does.

But there I was, in a cave. I turned around because I was freaking out, no door ! No kitchen ! Just a brick wall !

The cave was just made of bricks. The cave was simply rectangular, not very large. There was wooden boxes, some scrap, old tools, paintings, littles statues of… things.

Of course, there a wooden door just in front of me. First reflex, I ran to it, bumping into boxes like a mad man on a mission.

As soon as I touch the door handle : BAM !

Some explosion near almost exploded my guts out, and my heart. Dust falling from the ceiling. And then, BAM, again ! And again ! BAM ! BAM ! BAM !

For a… I don’t know how many minutes, it could be five, ten, or even two hours, the explosions kept coming ! It was a never-ending series of explosions that were happening up there. Everything shook in that little cave of mine. Every bone in my body seemed to be on the verge of breaking. My brain was on the brinks to explode too.

I stepped back into a corner, not wanting to go out there anymore. And curled up behind boxes of children’s toys.

My ear seemed like they where about to bleed. But the worst was that I started suffocating ! The air was… they were none ! Or just a little. It felt like when I was a kid and had asthma. But men, they were nothing I could do.

The vibrations in my heads were the worst, my jaws were clenched so hard but the waves of explosions made my teeth shakes !

Then, all of a sudden, no more explosion. I was drenched in sweat it felt like I was about to melt !

Jaskiers

Finding Beauty Again (Merci Proust)

As I was reading Proust, the part when he is on a train on his way to a thermal station where he discovers during a halt a beautiful young farm girl. Just the sight of this beautiful woman gave him back the taste of Beauty, some kind of meaning in his life, I was about to experience first hand that experience a few hours after having read his words.

I was taking a break from playing a video-game, smoking on my balcony and watching peoples passing by. I love watching people. It’s sound creepy, maybe it is, but after staying for years, more than a decade in fact, in a little village with almost nobody walking by, (or if you saw someone, you’ll definitely know that person), after that dryness human experience of seeing little to nobody new, living in a city full of people that you don’t know and don’t know you is an exhilarating experience. It’s almost like you’re living again, reborn, back in society.

So, there I was, smoking my cigarette, observing life and society going about their life when I spot a beautiful woman. Not the first one that I’ve spotted, high up in my balcony, but after reading Proust, that sight was powerful and full of meaning.

There I was, experiencing what a man who died one century ago wrote about.

This is the magic of literature. Well, one of the many perks of reading a book.

That lady was walking her littler black dog, making me think of a Bob Dylan song, «A Hard Rain A-Gonna Fall» when he sings: I met white men who walked a black dog.

No, the simple sight of an attractive woman leads me to music. Life is strange, but art found a way to make it magic. Does art have a defined function? I don’t know, and I wish not, because it would put art in a shackle. We, human, have to categorize everything, it’s in our nature, everything has to be in a box.

Art isn’t in a box, well, it is in every box and a box itself.

And art was what I was seeing. I was looking at Beauty.

And that thought came out of my brain: go, talk to this lady, tell her something!

Hell no! Hell no! The time have changed, and for good, I think. We are living in a time where yelling at a lady passing by is not ok.

What if I was in the lady’s situation and someone I don’t know yell for me to give him or her my phone number? I would keep my head down and go away. We never know with people nowadays.

I kept watching her, I wasn’t hiding myself, it was already weird enough for me to look at her, if she ever rises her head toward me, I didn’t wanted to scare her.

And then, I started imagining her life. She was probably in her early twenty’s, probably a student, walking her family dog, taking a walk in the sun. Did she have a boyfriend? A girlfriend? How happy was she in her life? What was the cross she had to carry?

And then, she left, took a nearby street, disappearing from my eyes.

I rediscovered Beauty, at least for a little while.

Thanks to Marcel Proust, whenever I see Beauty, I feel grateful and alive. I’ve found an answer to a question I wasn’t asking myself before reading him.

Extract (in French) from Proust book; A l’ombre des jeunes filles en fleurs :

«Était-ce parce que je ne l’avais qu’entr’apercue que je l’avais si belle ? Peut-être. D’abord, l’impossibilité de s’arrêter auprès d’une femme, le risque de ne pas la retrouver un autre jour lui donnent brusquement le même charme qu’à un pays la maladie ou la pauvreté qui nous empêchent de le visiter, ou qu’aux jours si ternes qui nous restaient à vivre, le combat où nous succomberons sans doute. De sorte que, s’il n’y avait pas l’habitude, la vie devrait paraître délicieuse à des êtres qui seraient à chaque heure menacés de mourir, – c’est-à-dire à tous les hommes. Puis, si l’imagination est entraînée par le désir de ce que nous pouvons posséder, son essor n’est pas limité par une réalité complètement perçue dans ces rencontres où les charmes de la passante sont en relation directe avec la rapidité du passage. Pour peu que la nuit tombe et que la voiture aille vite, à la campagne, dans une ville, il n’y a pas un torse féminin, mutilé comme un marbre antique par la vitesse qui nous entraîne et le crépuscule qui le noie, qui ne tire sur notre cœur, à chaque coin de route, du fond de chaque boutique, les flèches de la Beauté, de la Beauté dont on serait parfois tenté de se demander si elle est en ce monde autre chose que la partie de complément qu’ajoute à une passante fragmentaire et fugitive notre imagination surexcitée par le regret.»

Jaskiers

An Ode To A Fast Car (Tracy Chapman Inspired Text.)

I was just a boy before I’ve met you.

I remember our first day as lover. In you flat, with your friend, I often felt out of place many times in my life but you made me fell welcome. This wasn’t easy for me to spend the day with you, at first I thought it would be. I was wrong, simply wrong. There is thing in life that doesn’t need explaining, like that feeling I had with you. If I could describe it, I would say that your love was my home. I haven’t had to force myself into playing a role, I was just myself. In fact, a better self, you had this effect on me, the only thing in the world that cured me from my mental illness, my demons, my fears, my sins. No need of pills or chemical treatment with you… well no, in fact, love do a weird chemical thing in our brain, that lead to happiness.

So there I was, with you and your friends, that were about to leave and all I could think about, is the night, our first night we would spend together. I was anxious for the night, but also looking forward to seeing another side of your love. I hoped I would enough for you.

We both talked about living with each other, so early in a relationship. The wise men say « fools rush in » and we were fools, but full of hope and of love.

That first day, we managed to visit some flat to live together. We hadn’t had much money, being together under a roof was already luxury for us.

Remember, that dusty old flat that we visited. With those creepy neighbors, telling us about how awful it was to leave there. We knew we wouldn’t leave there, but that feeling of a maybe, a future, together was so strong that we visited another flat. Same as before, we couldn’t say it was a roof that we would have above our head.

Then, a friend of yours wanted to see you, you and your new boyfriend. I was fine with it, as long as I was with you.

She started looking for trouble in the thrift shop we were in and we decided to leave her alone, in her mess.

We ran like fools, you with your high heels, your arm tucked under mine. I let you decide our escape route, we couldn’t stop laughing at the simple thought of your friend finding out we left her alone, with a pissed off shopkeeper.

And then, two straits dogs came toward us. They just looked at us and ran away. It was a sign to me, you, a dog, a home and that all I needed.

How could have we thought life would have kept us together? Happiness, some say, come at a cost. What do we had to pay?

I was in the light with you, I was ready to get up, no, better, rise up for you.

How could have I known that the car would not stop? How could I have known that somehow, this random car would take you away from me forever?

How can I live with your scream of agony, for mercy, for help, forever roaming in my mind?

I don’t thing about retaliation nor justice.

My soul wanders in the dark now, until we meet again.

Sorry wouldn’t be a word that you would have like for me to say to you.

I will hold on to your memory, your love, your light that I will search all my life.

Never, ever, I’m sure, I will meet someone like you.

But I know, deep down or high up, there is a place waiting for us both, and not a miserable flat.

We could call it heaven, if being with you is what’s waiting for me at the end of my road.

Jaskiers

If It’s The Last Time

[Inspired by Red Dead Redemption 2 – Warning: Spoiler]

As I watch some wild boars devastating the grass at the far end of the forest, I stay here, wondering if smallpox do the same kind of mayhem in my lungs than those wild animals makes in the forest. It probably looks like that in there, like a tornado just have passed.

Coughing blood after every intense activity, seeing myself, my body, weakened, this is probably the end, or at least, this is very close to it.

What’s left of me? A child that die after three hours of being born. And a wife, well, a «should have been wife» that do everything to forget me, friends that I will leave in need, a father figure going mad and a country that is changing way, way too much and way too fast.

Everyone keep telling me that I am a good man, that there is a side of me that is kind but it’s being overshadowed by the evil side, the one that keep thinking and hanging on a lifestyle that doesn’t belong in this new era we are entering in.

What a life, I had a good run. What happen to me is payback for all the ill I’ve done. There is a justice after all. At least, It’s look like it. This is at the very moment that death is around the corner that I finally realise that I have spent my time chasing ghost. And I have left a pile of dreadful things along the way.

What matter to me was nature, the Wild West, the anarchy and the poison of every god damn man in this world, money!

Damn! Money can’t buy me new lungs!

I wish I could have spent more time with that old Native American, riding next to him to the top of the mountain where is used to meditate and think.

Thinking! I have forgotten how to think! Like a raging bull, I’ve been going through life without planning what was waiting for me at the end. And the crash is my illness.

It’s all about love life isn’t it? What’s make us truly happy, for real? Have you noticed how falling in love was the most incredible and powerful things you could experience? It’s… rejuvenating! It’s something that bound us all, human beings. Everything seems pale next to being in love.

We don’t necessarily do great things when we are in love either, but at least, we do it for the most beautiful reason.

I had the chance to love and to be loved. That was a short period of my life, but the happiest one.

Years have gone by so fast! So fast! I always knew I will die young or, at least, not old. I was afraid to be old. And now, I wish I had this opportunity to grow old. Even alone, you don’t need someone to be happy, really.

If I could choose, I would have been a rancher. For once in my life, being stable. Here comes the time when the body can’t travel or being on the run, he can’t handle it anymore.

I would have had horses, cattle, a dog and a cat.

I would smoke a cigar on my porch, drinking whisky as I watch the sun set. Until I die.

But this kind of death isn’t for me, sadly.

The boars are now gone.

And I’m going on my last ride.

I’ll miss nature.

Maybe the other side, if there is one, is ready to welcome me. I hope so at least. I hope whatever decide our faith over here will see the good side of me, if there is one.

Can’t even take one good last breath, I guess I’m punished now to rest peacefully later.

I hope. Some people say faith is more important than anything. If think not. Love is.

Hope keep us going and love give us a purpose and a meaning.

Goodbye.

Jaskiers